On Shame

This week in Brave Space, shame came up in a wonderful way. We got a chance to discuss it and shine a bright light on it. Because light with compassion can shrink shame to nothingness. This is the kind of work I am most proud of in Brave Space. All of my participants, regulars or once-in-a-blue-moon-ers, should know that in Brave Space, even shame is welcome.

What did we learn about shame? It arises while we're writing. Shame often creates all kinds of resistance. All of a sudden, you might feel exhausted or starving! Shame is tricky, or rather the resistance to feel shame often plays physical tricks on us. It may be a reason you avoid writing (or Brave Space).

How do we work with shame? We begin - even before shame arises - by working toward a compassionate way of being with ourselves. Metta meditation (also known as lovingkindness) is a practice of offering compassion to ourselves and others. Sharon Salzberg teaches all the levels of this practice in this video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erQipF_84yI

The phrases are: May I (or you or they or all) be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy, May I live with ease.

Or you can invent your own. I typically adjust mine to say: May I be healthy and whole.

But if you aren't into starting a new practice (and you don't have to learn to meditate to do metta - it's only one way) you can just try this instead:

Put your hand on your heart and recognize you are suffering (or stressed or feeling anxious...), and then offer yourself compassion.

Sending compassion can be hard if you're not used to doing it. So please be kind to yourself if this is difficult. It only means you need to do it more. If you want to try offering compassion to a pet, that is usually the easiest way to begin. Or imagine you are your own best friend who can easily offer you compassion. One thing I know: you deserve compassion. No matter what.

Even if you don't have a strong compassion practice, it's the kind of thing you can fake until it gets easier. It might make you cry to realize how long you've missed it. Or it might make you feel nothing at all for a while. Keep at it until you can soften into the feeling of being cared for.

So if shame arises, offer compassion. Compassion is the antidote to shame.

So what happened in Brave Space? Imagine you're writing an essay about your life and suddenly you notice that a lot of anger is arising toward a person who might read what you're writing. How can you keep writing? What if they see it and get hurt? What if you're writing something about your own child who won't stop crying? What if you say how much you hate this baby! People might judge you and think you're a bad mother! All these thoughts swirl through your head and cancel your project. All the energy leaves the room.

Some days this happens to me every five minutes when I'm writing, so I'm used to it. But if you're not used to discovering your rage rising up toward your page, it can be upsetting, even shocking.

What do I do? I keep writing because I know I have to get the feelings out. I also know that the person I might upset isn't reading my words. I know that I'll disguise that person later, but I will use my authentic feelings whenever possible.

But what if you are writing non-fiction and you can't disguise the person? What if you allowed yourself to write your true feelings as an exercise in allowing yourself to be human? What if you allowed yourself to write your true feelings because they are true? What if you put the worries on hold until after the feelings are written?

Once it's all out on the page, you can decide what to do with it. But admitting shame is the beginning of healing from it. Being able to look at it with compassion is the beginning of the end of shame. I have moved on to bigger, darker shames, and even those no longer haunt me.

Like the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz, water melts her. Have your water on hand - in this case, the water of compassion.

Join me in Brave Space this week!